What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 00:47
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I think the readers, may guess!
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
Why do I feel bad when I see white girls dating black guys, am I racist?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Comes on , in middle age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What is something you have to share?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What are mean nicknames to call my sister? She is always so mean to me.
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It was going to be , some day.
This is soul school!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We were not on the streets..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My family never makes their pension either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What did i know ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He resisted the act ,that day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was scared of men, in general
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Put me off passion for life!!
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
All the time i was locked up.
We all went to grammer schools
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
But, we were locked up after school.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She loved him until the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My life is so biszare .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was seconnd youngest,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I waited trembling.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Would this be the day?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.